You cannot understand any of this without knowing the person to whom you are listening. You will find this same post is on each of the other two In the Closet blogs.
Who are you?
5'9” and 120 lbs. of Anglo-Irish-Dutch-German-Hungarian-Slavic-Hispanic-Cherokee nerdy gay Christian, with a side of Y chromosome and a dash of obsession over anything remotely Japanese (except for anime and manga...strangely enough). I am told my appearance is distinctive, but that is used as a pejorative about as often as it is used as a compliment. I grew up in one of the most conservative regions of our nation in one of the smallest towns in the state, but now I go to college in one of the most liberal regions of the nation. I think this varied, multicultural, introspective background gives me a unique vantage point.
What is with the name?
I am the second of my name. I am my grandfather's namesake. The second SMT. Supposedly I am the famous one, or so the joke goes. This is not what I wish, and it is not what I believe to be true. In truth I am the infamous, but I would be proud to be more like the man who calls himself the Infamous SMT.
What qualifies you to write on this issue?
In my opinion, if you ask no other question of me, this is probably the one you should ask should you truly wish to take me seriously. What I am is a young Christian male who has spent more than half of my 20 years coming to an understanding of my sexuality, seeking God's will for what lies beyond the point of acknowledgement, and dealing with the daily struggle of reconciling my beliefs about myself, God, morality, society, and homosexuality. By trade, I am a scientist; by nature, I am an introverted intellectual; and by choice, I am a Christian; in all of these, I feel my duty is to search for the objective truth. So, as my life gives me experience with homosexuality, my faith gives me grounding, and my daily habits incline me towards critical examination, I feel my opinions carry some weight on the issue. What I am not is a Bible scholar or an expert in any the fields of theology, sociology, or psychology (as well as a plethora of other -ologies), so I write from what I believe to be a very common-sense perspective. Moreover, I very much isolated myself from other viewpoints during the age of 15-18, or the time when I really developed a solid personal conviction on these issues. This means that my conclusions are largely independent, however I have expanded some of my statements to include points brought up by others. In my writings, I try to refrain from justifying points with scripture or with the conclusions or opinions of others. This represents my view point alone, and while I am influenced by the aforementioned sources, I would not wish to venture into fields I am unqualified to speak on or taint your perspectives on material you have not yet seen. I am, nevertheless, fiercely opinionated, but I am always reexamining my conclusions, and I believe that I give most viewpoints a decent audience.
How do you know you are gay?
I am always surprised how often I get this question, because to me it seems so obvious. I like guys, I just know that, but then it is easy for me to forget that a good portion of the nation has had a life-experience completely unlike my own. Those people who do not often associate with members of the LGBT community may not realize how early the understanding of ones sexuality can begin, and understanding can be hampered by denial or the attempt to change ones sexual identity. I think it is common, especially nowadays, to go through a period where one wonders if they are gay, or lesbian, or bisexual. We don't have a tattoo or a birth mark that informs us, so when ones doesn't feel or react to a variety of stimuli (things like: the thought of another person in a sexual sense, a romantic relationship, even gender-associated activities like sports), Our society is ultra-specific in it's representations of masculine/feminine, and any deviation can cause doubts in adolescents, teens, and young adults. It is unfortunate that our society does not tolerate differences in masculinity. I for one find any man who has the courage to treat others with kindness and respect far more manly that any pig-headed high-school jock. That, of course, means that the high-school jock can also meet my definition of a true man if he behaves with equal decorum. The same argument can be applied to womanhood, but womanhood is a matter on which I should proclaim ignorance.
I know I am gay for the simple reason that my affection for men and women is different. I have many close female friends, but I satisfied by that extent of the relationship. It is with men that I desire more that friendship, I want to spend my life in communion with a man. This is at its core a desire for a mutual relationship that gives and provides strength in turn, and is accompanied by more physical affection than I care to engage in with women. I am capable of devoting myself to a man in a way that would not satisfy a woman nor would my emotional needs be satisfied by the reciprocation of a woman. In short, my desire (for better and for worse) is wholly bound in other men.
If you are gay, you will know it by this desire for affection, but homosexuality is something of a misnomer; it is not just about sex. Romance, love, passion, lust, and desire are all very interconnected but unique concepts. Sex, unaccompanied by anything other than lust, is probably the most basal, but it is not an indicator of inclination. After a point, sex is neural stimulation and physiological response. I say this because I always warn my friends who question their sexuality to NEVER let a sexual encounter convince them of their sexuality, and even more so, to NEVER engage in sex in order to discover their sexuality. It may feel good, but that is just because you are trigging the devices in your body that were designed to give you pleasure. That is why masturbation works.
Dreams can be a great guide in this matter. They have the potential to be windows into our sub-conscious. Ergo, what you may hide or deny in your daily waking life, often hits you full force when you can't repress it. Personally, I don't often have nocturnal emissions, but when I do, my dreams are about other men. I remember my first wet dream, or at least the first wet dream I remembered upon waking, occurred around the age of 11-12. I was in the context of some sort of medication like Viagra or Cialis, the ones where they show pictures of couples in very intimate, pre-foreplay scenarios. In the midst of these scenes was a gay couple. It was nothing more than the two of them lying on a bed covered with white sheets. As the camera moved from the foot of the bed to the left side, continuing to focus on the couple, the young man on the left with dark hair wearing only a dark choker necklace sat up. His body concealed his partner's nakedness, and even in my dream I never saw either of their full bodies (as would be appropriate for a commercial...), but I knew they were naked, and I knew what they had been/were about to be doing. Simple it may seem, but I woke up and thought to myself “Ok, I guess I really am gay.” But that is only because I had been trying to deny the fact for a couple of years already. Even after that, I fought against the idea. I told myself it was a phase. 8 years later, it is hard to make that same kind of argument against myself.
Yet the point remains that homosexuality is an emotional orientation as well as a sexual orientation. This to me is the truest indicator. You will know by realizing whose support, affection, time, and fellowship you desire.
How do you know you are Christian?
I was born into a Christian family, and as such I was raised in the church as well as being home schooled until I entered the 4th grade. Saturation is probably the best word to describe my exposure to Christianity in my early years. When I was five, I distinctly remembered a Wednesday night Children's Church lesson where they invited the young ones to come forward and accept Jesus into their lives. I was probably the youngest one in the audience, but it just seemed right that I step forward at the time. I remember afterwards a distinct peace and an awareness of a higher calling for my life. It was at that point that I realized that I was responsible to an authority greater than my own. Even still, at the age of five, I was not fully capable of understanding everything that I had committed to in professing Christianity. Now I consider myself Christianity because it is a choice that I affirm everyday. I have questions about the Bible, about the traditions of the Church, about corruption within the Church both now and throughout history, but despite the doubts that I am still working to resolve and understand, I am convinced in the existence of the one true living God who sent his son Jesus to die as the payment for our sins. I have no proof for my convictions that I can offer any man because they are supported only by very personal, and at times mystical, instances in which I cannot deny the influence of God.
Therefore, I believe in God as the creator and commander of the universe and all that it contains. I believe that God sent his son, Jesus, God manifested in human flesh, to Earth for the salvation of all who would believe in him (i.e. atonement theology). In my faith, belief in God and the sacrifice he made, declaration of him as my lord and savior, and a continual fellowship with God are the hallmarks of a Christian, everything else follows from that. Therefore, I consider myself a Christian.
Can I contact you?
No. Originally I intended to name this section FAQs, and then I realized that would be a lie, since no one had asked me any questions, and no one was going to. I had also intended to reveal my identity in the effort to be completely open and honest, but as I began writing, I realized there was no way to protect the privacy of the others involved in my story unless my identity was hidden. If someone who knew me or was associated with my church or school during my childhood read this, they would be able to trace back the identity of others. While I am not saying that anyone who knew me would be prompted to engage in such minor detective work, the possibility is one I must preclude for the sake of others.
You are free to leave comments, however, I may change the restrictions on this based on the general atmosphere.
Terms Explained
LGBT - Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transexual I understand that some feel this term does not fully encompass the range of individuals with sexual or gender identity, but I use it because it is the most recognizable. If you feel rejected, I do apologize. My beliefs call me to love all, and no terminology can prove or disprove my acceptance of your right to live your life as you choose. But in all honesty, I should only be speaking for myself, so the fewer people I associate myself with the better.
Friday, November 20, 2009
1. Something of an Overview
Dear Reader,
Lately, God has been convicting me on several parts of my life. Some of that includes being more open about my faith and my sexuality, and some of that includes bringing to light some parts of myself that God is asking to heal. That includes sharing my full testimony, not as someone to set a particular example, but as someone who is simply a fallible human.
Dialogue is critical for the resolution of conflict. Despite this, homosexuality remains one of the most talked about and least talked among subject facing the church today. Regardless of your beliefs about the morality of homosexuality, Christians must agree on two facts. 1) God loves homosexuals very deary, just as he loves all people. 2) The is a rift between the Christian community and the LGBT community. As Christians we are called to no higher action than to love our fellow human, but the church is failing. Christians have earned our reputation as pretentious and overbearing because we have forgotten our duty to be humble and serve others. I fear that I would have become just such a person, had not my life placed me outside the sphere of acceptance.
Because I both accepted Christ and came to understand that I am gay before the age of 10, my experience as a gay Christian is more extensive than my age might suggest. I grew up in a Christian household in the middle of one of the strongholds if conservative Christianity , and as I said, I understood that my homosexuality very early. I truly came to understand at the age of 9 when I first read the word “homosexual” on a Focus on the Family newsletter featuring Love Won Out. Upon reflection, I can recognize the elements of my homosexuality appearing as early as age 6-7, particularly in my associations with another young man of near my age. My mother also assumed my homosexuality very early, as did almost everyone else. Though she first asked me when I was 11, I denied it until the age of 13. After fully confronting the issue with her, there came a confusing period where I was battling my questions, my emotional addictions, my emotionally estranged father, my mother's desire for me to be “healed,” my growing disbelief in the Exodus-type philosophy, and my dissatisfaction with my present concept of gay Christians. From what I had seen, on one hand, the conservative right was choosing to believe in reparative therapy without Biblical basis. There are no promises of the removal of sin from our lives in this world; not addictive natures, not anger, not pride, not even sexual temptation of any nature. All God promises is to give us the strength to face sin. On the other hand, the gay Christians seemed 99% mainstream-high-fructose-corn-syrup-gay with a 1% Christian label on the outside, but God has provided a solid moral standard upon which we are founded. Therefore, neither side satisfied me or convinced me.
Until I was 16, I believed that I should change. It just made sense. I was told that the Bible said homosexuality was utterly wrong, and my experience matched the profile that the ex-gay ministries touted as the cause of homosexuality. I was the victim of a molestation as a child, my relationship with my father was strained, and I was something of a social outcast. The rhetoric matched my situation, and I believed that if I could trust anyone on this matter, it should be the leaders of the church. I strove to be chaste, condemning myself and punishing myself when I made a mistake or when I allowed any homosexual idea entered my head, so I eventually sank into a weariness of myself and the idea continuing to struggle throughout the rest of my life. When I was 15, I told my mother than I could not envision myself growing old. At that age, I finally began to understand more of the root of my own sexual/emotional issues, but I was still left with the ultimate question of “What is God's will for me?” I remember very clearly, one night I was duking it out with God again about the same issues, and I felt God telling me that I was only fighting against myself. I had been spending so much energy in hating myself for who I was and what I had done, that I was preventing God from working in me. I expected to change myself so that I could earn his approval before giving myself fully to him. And failing every step of the way. The conclusion I came to is that God expects me to accept that I am flawed, but if I give myself over to him, he will command the process of healing in ways how he sees best. The instant I verbally relinquished my burden to God, I shed my inflicted anxiety over being homosexual and felt an enormous peace wash over me. I was delivered from my homosexuality in an instant: I was delivered from the inflicted guilty and anguish, from the the stigma and the self-hatred, from the lies and the belief that God could not accept me as I am. Obviously, the self-consciousness arose again, but every time that peace has been renewed, and I am re-awakened to the grace of God over my life.
So, for a while, I let sleeping dogs lie. That moment of understanding was a period of a change in my life; I began attending a boarding school with a much more rigorous curriculum; I began to associate more positively with my peers; I was overwhelmed, for the first time, by all the potential occupations at hand. I could easily bury myself in work, and I had not cause to question the issue further. No promising relationship loomed on the horizon, no one in my new high school asked about or condemned my sexuality. So, I remained in this quasi-apathetic, ambivalent state throughout the rest of high school. Though you can read more about my experiences during this time period, my convictions on the matter were more-or-less stagnant in this time period. My personal growth always comes when the distractions are stripped away. I had few distractions before changing high schools, so this was a period of intense change and intense turmoil in my personal perspectives. One year after changing high schools, my senior year, I was again in such a position. By Christmas I had been accepted to my first-choice university, my grades were well in hand, my activities and leadership positions were running fairly smoothly, so I soon entered another period of change in perspective.
In many ways this time was a period of realization of the change that had already taken place. I no longer denied being homosexual, although I rarely, if ever, volunteered the information. And so has been the case for much of the time sense. I am learning to be open an honest, and to trust my friends love for me to be greater than any disagreement that we may have. Now, as a Christian, I seek a better understanding of God, an understanding that is strengthened by a life of doubting and seeking God for answers. As a homosexual, I seek open dialogue with anyone who is willing to discuss. I know I cannot convince you of any point of view, but I can present to you the questions born of my struggle with homosexuality that altered my view in their exploration.
Though I am certain that God will never change my sexuality, I am uncertain as to whether I am called to marriage or I am called to celibacy. What I do know is that God has a plan for my life, and if it is his will that I marry, then he will bring that man into my life. I believe that if a union with a man is blessed by God, then he has a specific man for me as part of a greater prophesy over my life, but I am also open to the possibility that this is my own wishful thinking. For now, I choose to trust that he will enact his plan as he sees fit, a choice I must re-commit myself to every day.
There is more to this story; I intend to go into many of these general statements with much more depth, but I hope this gives you some idea of my convictions without bogging you down with every detail of my personal experience. In this, I am willing to be 100% open and honest about my actions throughout the entirity of my life, but I believe I have separated these elements in a manner that is prudent for the varied audience that can access internet-based materials.
Lately, God has been convicting me on several parts of my life. Some of that includes being more open about my faith and my sexuality, and some of that includes bringing to light some parts of myself that God is asking to heal. That includes sharing my full testimony, not as someone to set a particular example, but as someone who is simply a fallible human.
Dialogue is critical for the resolution of conflict. Despite this, homosexuality remains one of the most talked about and least talked among subject facing the church today. Regardless of your beliefs about the morality of homosexuality, Christians must agree on two facts. 1) God loves homosexuals very deary, just as he loves all people. 2) The is a rift between the Christian community and the LGBT community. As Christians we are called to no higher action than to love our fellow human, but the church is failing. Christians have earned our reputation as pretentious and overbearing because we have forgotten our duty to be humble and serve others. I fear that I would have become just such a person, had not my life placed me outside the sphere of acceptance.
Because I both accepted Christ and came to understand that I am gay before the age of 10, my experience as a gay Christian is more extensive than my age might suggest. I grew up in a Christian household in the middle of one of the strongholds if conservative Christianity , and as I said, I understood that my homosexuality very early. I truly came to understand at the age of 9 when I first read the word “homosexual” on a Focus on the Family newsletter featuring Love Won Out. Upon reflection, I can recognize the elements of my homosexuality appearing as early as age 6-7, particularly in my associations with another young man of near my age. My mother also assumed my homosexuality very early, as did almost everyone else. Though she first asked me when I was 11, I denied it until the age of 13. After fully confronting the issue with her, there came a confusing period where I was battling my questions, my emotional addictions, my emotionally estranged father, my mother's desire for me to be “healed,” my growing disbelief in the Exodus-type philosophy, and my dissatisfaction with my present concept of gay Christians. From what I had seen, on one hand, the conservative right was choosing to believe in reparative therapy without Biblical basis. There are no promises of the removal of sin from our lives in this world; not addictive natures, not anger, not pride, not even sexual temptation of any nature. All God promises is to give us the strength to face sin. On the other hand, the gay Christians seemed 99% mainstream-high-fructose-corn-syrup-gay with a 1% Christian label on the outside, but God has provided a solid moral standard upon which we are founded. Therefore, neither side satisfied me or convinced me.
Until I was 16, I believed that I should change. It just made sense. I was told that the Bible said homosexuality was utterly wrong, and my experience matched the profile that the ex-gay ministries touted as the cause of homosexuality. I was the victim of a molestation as a child, my relationship with my father was strained, and I was something of a social outcast. The rhetoric matched my situation, and I believed that if I could trust anyone on this matter, it should be the leaders of the church. I strove to be chaste, condemning myself and punishing myself when I made a mistake or when I allowed any homosexual idea entered my head, so I eventually sank into a weariness of myself and the idea continuing to struggle throughout the rest of my life. When I was 15, I told my mother than I could not envision myself growing old. At that age, I finally began to understand more of the root of my own sexual/emotional issues, but I was still left with the ultimate question of “What is God's will for me?” I remember very clearly, one night I was duking it out with God again about the same issues, and I felt God telling me that I was only fighting against myself. I had been spending so much energy in hating myself for who I was and what I had done, that I was preventing God from working in me. I expected to change myself so that I could earn his approval before giving myself fully to him. And failing every step of the way. The conclusion I came to is that God expects me to accept that I am flawed, but if I give myself over to him, he will command the process of healing in ways how he sees best. The instant I verbally relinquished my burden to God, I shed my inflicted anxiety over being homosexual and felt an enormous peace wash over me. I was delivered from my homosexuality in an instant: I was delivered from the inflicted guilty and anguish, from the the stigma and the self-hatred, from the lies and the belief that God could not accept me as I am. Obviously, the self-consciousness arose again, but every time that peace has been renewed, and I am re-awakened to the grace of God over my life.
So, for a while, I let sleeping dogs lie. That moment of understanding was a period of a change in my life; I began attending a boarding school with a much more rigorous curriculum; I began to associate more positively with my peers; I was overwhelmed, for the first time, by all the potential occupations at hand. I could easily bury myself in work, and I had not cause to question the issue further. No promising relationship loomed on the horizon, no one in my new high school asked about or condemned my sexuality. So, I remained in this quasi-apathetic, ambivalent state throughout the rest of high school. Though you can read more about my experiences during this time period, my convictions on the matter were more-or-less stagnant in this time period. My personal growth always comes when the distractions are stripped away. I had few distractions before changing high schools, so this was a period of intense change and intense turmoil in my personal perspectives. One year after changing high schools, my senior year, I was again in such a position. By Christmas I had been accepted to my first-choice university, my grades were well in hand, my activities and leadership positions were running fairly smoothly, so I soon entered another period of change in perspective.
In many ways this time was a period of realization of the change that had already taken place. I no longer denied being homosexual, although I rarely, if ever, volunteered the information. And so has been the case for much of the time sense. I am learning to be open an honest, and to trust my friends love for me to be greater than any disagreement that we may have. Now, as a Christian, I seek a better understanding of God, an understanding that is strengthened by a life of doubting and seeking God for answers. As a homosexual, I seek open dialogue with anyone who is willing to discuss. I know I cannot convince you of any point of view, but I can present to you the questions born of my struggle with homosexuality that altered my view in their exploration.
Though I am certain that God will never change my sexuality, I am uncertain as to whether I am called to marriage or I am called to celibacy. What I do know is that God has a plan for my life, and if it is his will that I marry, then he will bring that man into my life. I believe that if a union with a man is blessed by God, then he has a specific man for me as part of a greater prophesy over my life, but I am also open to the possibility that this is my own wishful thinking. For now, I choose to trust that he will enact his plan as he sees fit, a choice I must re-commit myself to every day.
There is more to this story; I intend to go into many of these general statements with much more depth, but I hope this gives you some idea of my convictions without bogging you down with every detail of my personal experience. In this, I am willing to be 100% open and honest about my actions throughout the entirity of my life, but I believe I have separated these elements in a manner that is prudent for the varied audience that can access internet-based materials.
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